"Alcoholelujah"

Under the stairs and inside every closet 
There's a shadow of something I wish I had never done 
The shape-shifting terrors that trail me are strangling 
The life and the breath from my lungs 

Razor blades and wine, pretending everything is fine 
It is a lifestyle that I once learned to survive 
Things that I inhale leaving me paranoid and frail 
It's such a wonder that I'm somehow still alive 

Swallowing, vomiting, learning how to hide the scars 
It's all very taxing, but oh, it's a thrilling ride 
The world tilts and vibrates and pounds in my head 
It's a pleasure that cannot be denied 

Bleeding in my bed, vodka and mattress stained with red, 
Etching a line of harsh reminders in my thighs 
Breathing from a can, marvelling at the ceiling fan, 
Seeing with dead and glassy mirrors in my eyes 

It's a dance that I've perfected, 
A waltz of hospitals and jails 
I've built a history of failures, 
Of hearing screams and seeing trails 
I can't go on running this way, 
Forsaking my identity 
Nothing matters anymore, 
It's all the fucking same to me 
It's all the fucking same to me 

Waking on the floor, drinking my death and wanting more 
So what if love has slipped like whiskey through my hands? 
Shame and broken pride fill up this emptiness inside me, 
Can I deny my aching heart what it demands? 

Locked inside a cell, merely a breath away from hell, 
Fantasy's over now, I'm sober now 
I'm sober now

This was written by a good friend of mine, who's gone through some terrible times. ...Who still IS going through some terrible times. We were in this place together, at one point, a long time ago, and I got out of it. my friend didn't. I really understand, and feel this poem, and my heart goes out to this friend of mine, whom shall remain anonymous, for their sake.
They're doing the best they can for you.  but you've got to do it for yourself.

I love you, and I'm praying for you.

My life has been seemingly sucked into a vaccuum of activity these past few weeks. I feel like I haven't written anything in ages just because so much has gone down, it's almost hard for me to remember all of it. I feel like if I don't write about at least some of it right now, I'll never write about it.

So I'd first like to start with this whole BP Oil spill thing. I know you're all privvy to it, so I'm not going to get political and explain away. But I will say that I have cried countless, hot, ANGRY tears towards this situation. As a Taoist, the earth is my center. More specifically--the Ocean is my center. We all have those things that we connect to on deeper, far more intimate level, and the Ocean is that thing for me. The underwater ecosystem is probably the most diverse, and magnificent of all in existence, yet it's also the least thought about. I think we as people tend to view our society (our cities, towns and living space) as the only plane of existence. We don't have much use for the Ocean outside of fishing and tourism, but these things only touch the very surface of an undeterminable depth. Because of this, the Ocean to many just marks the end of our allotted space. It's the same with the sky. We use air travel, sure. But humans outside of travel have no use, nor much reverence for what's above. if we can't have floating citadels of steel, it's no use thinking about. It is just an unused part of "our" plane. But really, I view the world in three, equal parts. The sky, being the lesser populated plane, then the Earth as a landmass itself, and then lastly the Ocean, as it's own densely populated empire. I don't think people really notice the fact that the Ocean is as such, because in truth, or planes only connect so far, as I said before. Sure, people go to beaches, but people don't extend way down to the depths, or have tea with humpback whales. We have airplanes, true, and giant cruise ships--but I'm certain not many people look out the window of an airplane to see that our land is the sky's Ocean, and land is equally our Ocean's sky. But I'm getting off point. Basically, what I'm saying is that this whole BP situation has caused and immense amount of pain and distress for me. It's been quoted in a few articles that what is at threat from this Oil spill is "our way of living". True, your price in seafood is going to spike to about fifteen dollars per pound, but "your" way of living is not what is suffering the most. People are worried about the Birds washing ashore dead? Wait until your shallow-water ecosystem collapses. When your porpoises wash up in the droves, and your shallow water whales invade your beaches with their rotting bodies. Birds are the least of your worries. Gill breathers, and even air-breathers alike are suffering from this deathtrap. The effect of oil on a gillbreathing animal is the equivalent to placing a plastic bag over a person's face. We are literally suffocating the Sea.
You know, I actually heard a commercial on the radio the other day that was advertising Florida by saying "Our beaches ARENT polluted! Come down to Florida for a HEALTHY vacation!". 

Seriously, Florida? You're using the decimation of countless species and the poisoning of Lousiaina's fisheries as a MARKETING STRATEGY FOR YOUR OWN TOURISM? Low. Fucking. Blow.
You wait, Florida. It's coming to you too. 

With that rant aside--the restaurant is consuming my soul. Seriously. I have basically made a pact with the devil by agreeing to work at this place. Not that I don't enjoy working hard, because it gets me out of the apartment and on my feet again, and make no mistake I'm unbelievably thankful to be employed. But the gist of the matter is I have basically signed away every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday of my life, for the rest of my eternity. This doesn't pose a problem just yet, but come school time it Will. I'm taking classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at KSU, and they directly conflict, if not cut it severely close to my work schedule. Mondays and Wednesdays I'll be going to school 8:00am to 4:15pm. I'm supposed to be at work at 5:00. This I can MAYBE manage, traffic to Atlanta willing. But it just means I'll be non-stop all week, Tuesday and Thursday being the only days I'll be able to devote any time to my school work. As much as the thought is plaguing me, I'm trying not to cross that bridge until I have to.
The work is good, though. I make minimum wage, but the people I work with make it worthwhile. Hopefully soon I can start my server training, because I've already had many people request that I be their waitress, despite the fact I'm blatantly the host. Who knows. If I could do both, that's twice the amount, plus tips that I can put towards Africa.

On a few, non-related notes--my snake is awesome. His name is Ramesses II, after the Egyptian Pharaoh, and he is just as regal as his name.
I never would have expected this, given his situation prior to us though.When we rescued him, I definitely wasn't expecting him to be in the condition he was in. Though his tank was large, he had no heating pad, and no trees, no lights, and nothing to hide in. I don't think his tank had ever been cleaned, because there was a buildup of skin, bones, and  feces all over the place that suggested the poor thing had never been treated the way he deserved. He was so inactive.  He never moved, and he was dull in color, and looked much, much older than six. I was appalled, truly. He had nothing but a slab of shitty astroturf as bedding, and there were even roaches in his tank that crawled all over him. I cried. Seriously. I made Steve and I go out to Pet Supermarket IMMEDIATELY, and I bought him a parasitically treated bark substrate made specifically for snakes, two new heating lamps set on timers (one for the day, and an infra-red for the night) and under-tank heating pad, a HUGE tree to climb on,  and some flora to place in his tank. I got rid of that nasty astroturf that smelt of rank and disease, scrubbed his tank for a good three hours, redecorated, and placed him back in his new home, and wouldn't you know--he was a totally different snake.
he lived right up. Immediately he began digging, and burrowing in and out, and around and under his bark bedding, climbing up and around his new tree, soaking in his tub...he was just incredibly, incredibly active. Then i realized that he was actually in the process of shedding, hence his dull skin color. But i never would have known that had he not been sloughing off on his tree, because in his old tank there wasn't a single sign on his body that he was ready to shed. This also explained the billions of single-scale sheds I had found under the astroturf. The poor guy had been shedding scale by miserable scale for the past six years, because he'd had absolutely NOTHING but astroturf to help him. I imagine it felt wonderful to finally get it all off in one fluid stroke, after sitting in the deadness for so long. He's now a beautiful, vibrant black and gold, and he's quite curious. He's always climbing, or moving about, and it's a real 180 from his first arrival. He knows who I am, and he siddles right up to the glass every time someone walks into the room. He loves to be held, and he doesnt mid the dogs so much either, so I think it can be agreed upon that this rescue was a definite success.

Also, and finally-- this new xanga toolbar annoys me. I can no longer put borders and tables into my entries, meaning I'm now going to have to go back to my layout and edit how my blog is viewed.  Blugh to that.
But, that's basically all I've got to say, so...sorry to flood you all with a huge, mildly pointless update. I just had to say something, or the next entry would be even longer.:/